2020 had started off as such a shit show, at least it felt that way to me. But that doesn't mean we should let it wreck the rest of our year. Just because the appetizer is bad doesn't mean you throw away the main course. I want to narrow down my vision, create my path and work every single day relentlessly towards that. I invite you to join me.
This past week I started listening to podcasts on my commute to school. I live in central Netherlands but study in the south so I have a 4 hour commute per day. I figured podcasts were a good way to spend my time, I could use these four hours to still be working on myself…
Probably the first thing that pops into your mind when I say the words 'self care' is an evening with facials, a nice shower or bath and a big glass of wine. Alas that's not what I'm talking about. I used to relate that to self care too, but the past year I've learned what it really is and why it's so important to focus on that.
Dang I thought I had to do everything perfectly. I couldn't get delayed in my studies I needed that to be perfect. Follow the plan precisely, graduate after exactly 4 years and then continue on to my masters. Now thats all thrown out the window because of a semester delay. Im stressing majorly because this isn't how it's supposed to go. It doesn't fit my picture perfect plan.
Ruts are hard. I'm in a rut right now and they're difficult to get out of. I figured I can't be the only one struggling with this so I'm gonna write about it and share my take on how to get out of one. It feels like the past few weeks have just been downhill. Everytime something happens and I try to be positive about it but each time it just chips pieces away more and more. Now I'm at the point where I'm thinking enough! Because I can't continue going on like this. I'm currently writing this from my sofa, having trouble dealing with the tension I feel inside me and getting up and doing something. It doesn't help that the next earliest appointment with my therapist is December 30th, that's a long wait to keep sitting with this.
Fighting against mental illness can be really though sometimes. It has the capability to cloud everything so much that we don't see a way out anymore. I hate that at times my anxiety takes over, that I start believing the lies it tells me because that's what it helps me to focus on in communication with others. That sometimes it means going to bed right after dinner and still having trouble getting up the next morning, that socialising can become difficult because its exhausting dealing with the sensory overload inside your head and pretending that everything is okay.
We crack when we break, every single thing that happens to us that's 'negative' cracks us a bit,but every time we crack we allow more light to shine through us. We are born to shine.
All of a sudden the leaves were gone
The pages were turned, the end of the song
But the Skies are still rich with fire
From every colour between red and blue
Maybe there are some things that never end
And for those that do, there’s a new beginning instead.
We all have battles we face, we all feel like it's too much sometimes, that's okay. Find the things that help you to deal with all that. Getting out to move, breathing techniques, closing your eyes, repeating a certain phrase, getting out of the room, etc. This is doable, we just need to find what fits us.
I think that there is often a misconception, that once you get into a relationship the mental health issues will disappear, cause you're happy now right? Not alone or craving love anymore cause it's at your fingertips. Alas that's not how reality works. Just because I couldn't at this point combine taking care of my mental health and thriving in a relationship doesn't mean it's impossible. There are so many people who have managed to make the combination work and given it their own beautiful form.