I'm so used to doing whatever I want whenever I want cause for quite a while I haven't had to keep anyone in mind. Could live completely free of responsibilities or whatever, but that's changing now.
A lot of people struggle with faith because if God is good then why does he allow bad things to happen to us? Even his most faithful servants often get the most painful moments. I struggled with that too, the year behind me was the worst I could’ve had with friends dying, friends being diagnosed with severe illnesses, people I love ditching me, and my own struggle with depression. I felt in pain, alone, and not able to rationalise that bad things happen because it felt like that was those were the only things happening to me for a while. Until I realised three core truths to myself
Meeting God in the middle is confusing, because where is the middle. It's scary because what's that gonna mean? It's difficult because the world is not that great a place and we were never promised an easy or enjoyable life. But it's worth it. I may have had to face some hard truths that I was struggling with these things, and deal with emotions I'd much rather have suppressed, but because I didn't I had such a rich day, I felt on fire and honestly still can't quite shut up about it.
But for now I can make an update on what's kind of been going on in my life and what that's been teaching me. In the past month that I have not been posting or online, I have seen my best friend get married, fought really hard and got to continue my school despite majorly lacking credits, and I've celebrated my parents being married 25 years.
Accepting imperfection has always been difficult to me, thinking and certainly believing that immediately I had to be perfect in things made the fall so much steeper when I failed to be. It took my motivation and crushed it because I thought I couldn't after failing my first attempt.
I hate that things are changing now and everything will be different, but I also know to trust the process and be in it. Don't avoid the process because you don't want to be there, everything has something to teach you. Go through it, embrace it, and learn from it.
A few weeks ago I was broken, a simple college student who no longer had to motivation or determination for anything including life. Lying on the couch just crying because everything was a mess and there seemed to be no way out. Crippling fear going through your body because everything seems to be going wrong and all the hope you once had for your future now being gone.
The experiences of going back home to Singapore, seeing my friends, family, room and everything again, getting to travel to Bali Indonesia and meeting new people who struggled with the same things as me, talking to long distance friends. Everything has seemed to help piece back the puzzle one by one.
The hardest decision in life is deciding to walk away or try harder. I can't give up on the growth and strength journey I've come so far in. I'm still here. That is enough to keep me going.
"It's okay to struggle with that and not always be my happy self" which honestly was weird and difficult to hear. I had always grown up thinking I had to keep my best foot forward, not show if something was wrong. Yet they showed me I was allowed to be imperfect.