Change

People change, situations change, relationships change, it feels like everything is always changing. Literally the moment I’m on my feet with one aspect another swipes the rug from under my feet again. It doesn’t all make sense and it all still seems confusing as hell. Currently I’m sitting in my room waiting to bring my sister to the airport to fly off back to The Netherlands. Even though she’s going ‘home’ it sucks because as I explained in my previous blog post about my struggles with mental health I finally felt like I was getting on my feet. I was stable and for the first time in a while thoroughly enjoying the time I had with my sister. I didn’t enjoy it the past year because I wasn’t in the mental state to be able to, everything drove me over the edge and I couldn’t tolerate her even if she did nothing wrong. This summer I’ve finally gotten to appreciate our sistership (this is now a word) and the bond that we have. Yet here I am writing about sending her off to the airport marking our last family vacation with just us four.

I hate that, not that we are all growing as people but that our situations and relationships are changing as a result of that. When I go back home next week I’ll be stepping into an empty house because while I am still here she will be moving out. Marking this also being the last time we ever live together. I’ve taken the past year for granted and not made the most of it, probably one of the dumbest things I’ve done and believe you me I’ve done some stupid crap. In two days time my parents are moving houses, away from the last place I feel any bit at home. This current house housed so many good and bad memories, important life events, and quality time with so many people and yet again I need to say goodbye to that. I love the TCK life I really do, but I think I’m ready to say goodbye to it for a while. All the goodbyes and constant changes eventually become too much and unnecessary.

Change is something that should be embraced as much as it hurts. You have to allow yourself to go through the process, feel the burning and also the refining because it can be good and can mean growth even if it doesn’t feel like it at that very moment. Not allowing yourself to embrace every emotion that comes along with change will only result in pain later that grows and becomes more uncontrolled. Personally I hate embracing emotion, I thoroughly hate dealing with the fact that at times I hurt, or feel devastated, or completely lost. But back in high school I was a part of a bible study we called ‘Rahab’ with a group of girls who were all like me. Used to moving around, saying bye, used to change. We were lead by two staff members at our school that we had all grown a good relationship with and our motto our last year was to ’embrace the emotion’. There were tough things in that bible study, tough things that some of us were dealing with and would share about, pray for, and try to support each other as we went through these things. For all of us emotion was difficult and not very well liked. So as we struggled and fought through these hardships we also struggled and fought to allow ourselves the pain, the hurt that came along with it.

This taught me that the emotion was something that needed to be embraced through every up and down, every difficulty, every change. If it wasn’t it bottled up and would explode at any given moment that was not convenient. I’ve had my fair share of that happening too at the smallest inconvenience the tears just streaming down because externally things were fine, but internally it had reached a melting point that I couldn’t control or hold back anymore.

I hate that things are changing now and everything will be different, but I also know to trust the process and be in it. Don’t avoid the process because you don’t want to be there, everything has something to teach you. Go through it, embrace it, and learn from it.

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