Honestly knowing what you want to do and sticking to it all the time is difficult. The discipline is difficult and motivating yourself 24/7 is difficult. I’ve found myself in a rather interesting position that I had not expected to acquire living in the Netherlands as a simple student. But the thing is I was never a simple student. I think all the time about all my friends and how they are able to settle and be in a different country with seemingly no problems. Soon enough however I realised I was going about it all wrong, you’re not supposed to constantly be comparing yourself to other people you’re supposed to be looking at your own situation and seeing how can I deal with this the best way. This is common sense, but a reminder because I seemed to need one the last few weeks.
Recently in my blog posts I’ve been explaining about my journey as my first year back in The Netherlands, going to university, etc. I’ve told about how my mentors at school constantly try to derail me and convince me to drop out. I recently wrapped up quarter four exams and this happened, AGAIN. I couldn’t have been angrier or more upset about it. I had worked so hard to get to this school, to pass my classes even though the language was difficult and I at one point didn’t even want to be alive anymore. The fact that I was still there fighting meant so much to me and here they were again telling me I was incapable of being a social worker and too dumb to continue. All year I had fought back defending my self worth and this time I was broken (hence the inactivity on my blog recently). I had no idea anymore what I was capable of, what I should and could do, and what my future looked like especially my next year. Should I continue school? Should I take their advice and drop out? I lost my direction and my motivation.
I came out of my meeting with my mentors after hearing them refer me to a psychologist because they thought that would explain why I was ‘incapable’ and my friends were there waiting for me. They had stayed late, waited for over half an hour, just to hear what I had gotten and be there for me. Once I explained what had happened I immediately heard counter attacks that I WAS in fact good enough, I had grown so much over the past year, and that I WAS smart enough to continue. This gave me hope, but didn’t help the very down lonely feeling I had. I got home and explained to my family who also said the same things my friends had which really helped. I knew right away I had their support in whatever I chose to do and would succeed knowing they are by my side.
I’ll be transparent and say it was a dark few weeks, because everything seemed to be spiralling. I was not who I thought I should be, I was not doing as well as I should have been, maybe I was just some incapable kid who was better off not studying at the university level, I wasn’t as healthy as I should be, and I completely broke down. Complete utter confusion about what was now supposed to come or happen I informed my parents and they started me on a plan to bettering myself. How precisely I did/am doing that I’m going to explain in my next blog post coming out Wednesday! So keep your eyes open for that. This was more to explain the depths I was at for needing the interventions I got. That these things happen, sometimes it feels like the world is against you. This past year I got so fed up because one thing after another bad things were happening on a big scale and I started questioning God, ‘how much more can I take? How much more could anyone take?’. I had never had such an intense year where cop outs seemed to be my only coping mechanism. However due to the dedicated family and friends I have I’m still here and willing to fight. I knew and was hoping that this trip away from Netherlands would give me clarity on what to do in my future and although I still don’t fully know, I am for the first time able to properly comprehend things without crippling anxiety taking over. It seems to be looking up.
The experiences of going back home to Singapore, seeing my friends, family, room and everything again, getting to travel to Bali Indonesia and meeting new people who struggled with the same things as me, talking to long distance friends. Everything has seemed to help piece back the puzzle one by one. Nothing is permanent or fully enlightening but every little piece helps. So what I want to say with this is be open, talk to someone or people when things don’t seem to be looking up because you can’t deal with things by pushing your loved ones away, they’re the only ones that can help you. And also, look out for Wednesday’s post cause it’s gonna contain some pretty great information!