” You don’t always have to learn something, that makes you human”
This was a quote my friend gave me, when I told her I was suffering from writers block. To be honest I had no idea what to write about in my weekly posts anymore, and I didn’t even realise it when Wednesday, my update day, had gone all too quickly without a post once again. Funnily enough by complaining to her she gave me something to write about. The thing about this quote is it can be used very differently and it’s definitely not that I always agree with it.
What stood out to me about this quote is how deeply it struck. We are in a world that never stops, there’s always something new to do or learn, never time to take a step back, and always pressure’s of having to do things or live up to certain standards. I learnt only this past year that I am a perfectionist with severe procrastination. Even writing this blog is procrastinating from working on prep in my exams coming up next week. But that’s a difficult combination to have because part of you wants nothing more than to succeed and do good on everything you try the first time around. Except the other part of you wishes only to just relax, take a step back from all the stress for a moment (or a day) and just enjoy life.
I’ve now been defined by several people as someone who just likes to enjoy life, and although thats partially true it is not something I fully want to identify myself with. When I just moved here I had ambitions that I still intend on fulfilling and dreams I will make reality. The only issue I have is that I no longer know where to go from here. The year has been so hectic, painful, and crazy that I currently have lost my roadmap in getting there. But the quote calmed me down. Despite having an intense desire to be busy at every moment of the day, always pushing my potential and always learning something new, my friend made me realise that it’s okay to not always learn something. It’s okay to not reach every goal the first try. Ask anyone in my circle I am great at giving some sort of motivational speech on why failure is good, getting yourself out there is necessary, and why high ambitions are the way to go. As much as I believe every part of what I say, It’s more difficult to apply to myself.
Being a perfectionist means nothing can go wrong even if it’s your first try, it’s having to understand and be good at everything right away. I was angry with myself for not being okay the day after my breakup, for even after 3 months not being settled in the Netherlands yet, for not achieving my goals on the first try and still being stuck in the same old patterns. But that’s where my friends came to help, every time I struggled with something they’d tell me “It’s okay to struggle with that and not always be my happy self” which honestly was weird and difficult to hear. I had always grown up thinking I had to keep my best foot forward, not show if something was wrong. Yet they showed me I was allowed to be imperfect.
There’s definitely still a lot of steps I need to take before overcoming my perfectionism, but that simple quote from my friend already went a long way. It’s alright to not always learn something, for not every second of your day to be productive. Of course it’s my goal and I would love to accomplish more than what I currently have but I can also stop beating myself up for the downtime I give myself. Especially in these seasons where there’s exams and everything’s changing once again.