Look Up

This week has been the strangest week when it comes to emotions, decisions, and looks into the past. For starters to give you some background information, the last 4 weeks has been going incredibly well. I am adjusting much better now after getting closure to happenings (Check out my blog post Closure) and started settling here much better than I anticipated I would. I’m loving work even more and it has very much helped me build my social circle where I live. I’ve also been able to build up a social circle at school and start focusing more on school. The events of the past 5 months hurt but God has been so faithful and given me strength, comfort, and peace.

As if I was doing a bit too good, obviously something bad had to happen. Sunday morning waking up to 5 missed calls from my ex is definitely not how I expected to start my day. When I thought I was finally done looping myself in that situation here I was again shaking and unable to breathe rhythmically. It took a few hours but I managed to get my head out of the gutter. This isn’t me anymore and I refuse to let this get me down again after my road to recovery. Despite not wanting to, we decided to go to church and that was definitely where we were supposed to be. The sermon was about trusting God when you’ve lost your way. Trusting him in times it’s hardest to. If you’ve been keeping up with my other blog posts you know that message speaks loud and clear to me because it’s what I struggle most with. However going to that sermon literally left me internally emotional because at that moment it was so obvious that’s where I needed to be. After the service I went up to the pastors wife and offered to play in the worship band, to which she immediately hugged me and cried thanking me for this answer to her prayers. I think that there was a lot holding me back that day from going to church, all because I was supposed to be there. I’m happy my mum got me to go, because it was so good to be reminded, through everything that happens whether it’s good or bad, God is in control. Even that phone call that I DID NOT want to get, God is in control and this isn’t just to give me anxiety.

The second strange thing that happened was being advised to drop out of school. This was a very odd thing to hear and left me quite confused yet determined at the same time. The reasoning why I was advised to drop out and restart next year was they believed the transition from a TCK life back to Dutch life in addition to starting a college course in Dutch was too much for me. I agreed that it was a lot to do, but I also explained that the easy road is giving up. Yes It’s been one hell of a journey and I may have taken longer than others to adjust myself, but thats all the more reason to fight harder and not give up. I’ve come this far and especially after this ‘advice’ I am so much more determined to get my first year in with all that I have. I refuse to take the easy road, and refuse to give up when things get difficult because if I did that I would never accomplish anything. The moment you want to give up, is the exact moment you need to push through.

So that has been my week of weird things happening and my emotions being tossed around. However a good conversation with a friend about Trusting God two days after the sermon reminded me that we’re all going through transition and difficult times but we have something so much greater than ourselves to rely on. My main message to you with this would be, know who you are and what you want. Then fight every second of your day to achieve that goal. It doesn’t matter how many people try to convince you otherwise, if you know you are called to do something to the best of your ability strive for that. And remember, God is always faithful.

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